Boganology

THE BOGAN (blackjeanus mulletus)

First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the trailer-dwelling whitus trashus (found near Wellington) and the Westie or metallicus teeshirtus (from West Auckland). It is believed the initial Wellington Bogan population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Upper Hutt and Stokes Valley. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Taita and Lower Hutt. While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early 90s onwards.

The Bogan population has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Central Wellington, and those remaining clinging to the region's outskirts.

As at the year 2007, the species is now officially endangered. Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth. Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hindlimbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive black velvet or denim markings, though the color is often a shade of black, it has been noted that "camo" is the new black. In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of demin to just below the genital area, resulting in a 'cut-off' effect. Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called 'ugh-boots.'

While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional 'shopping malls', where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds. After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known as 'Pubs' where they consume large amounts of a liquid called 'Bourbon.' There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogans population.

Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased 'cargo pants' and attempted to integrate themselves in Wellington's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated. Authorities will have a better idea of Bogan numbers early next year when Bogan elders Pacifier visit Upper Hutt for a concert at Trentham Memorial Park, home to other Bogan-centric pursuits such as drag racing, motorcross and truck racing.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts included the development of a new artificial habitat named 'Tawa', but is seems this area may be too close to Wellington to attract large numbers of the species. More successful is an enclosed breeding program called 'Demolition Derby', which takes place annually at the Te Marua speedway complex outside Upper Hutt. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality.

Please assist the Bogan population by purchasing Metallica or Jack Daniels tee-shirts at your local speed shop or motorsport event. Every tee-shirt sale funds a mullet hair-do, please do your part.

Holiday pics, long overdue...

O boy have I been slack or what! Soo much happening but you don't want excuses, just "show me the pictures"...OK, here goes the first set...Afgan Hound and Bulldog at play...aaawww, I hear you say.